Here’s a snippet from the transcript of my play. You can read the complete text in #216 of Le Scat Noir which is NOW AVAILABLE as a free download here.

UBU RAW: As You Like It

Unedited Transcript by Norman Conquest

Young Will and King Ubu Trump are gazing out the window of a  parked coach.

 YOUNG WILL: (sighing):  She’s still very beautiful, sire.

UBU: Let me tell you a sad tale that, to this day, troubles my soul. Once upon a time, on the Beach of the Palms, I moved on her like a feral woodchuck.

YOUNG WILL: Whoa! You did? Horny King Ubu! Yaa-haa!

UBU: I groveled, I  pawed, I nibbled,  dribbled and groped. I slobbered ‘pon  her pale flesh as at a royal feast, and yet…. And yet!… I failed!  (Bows head in shame.) Yes, yes,   I loathe to confess that I, King Ubu, did not score. How monstrous that this player here, in a scheme of passion,  was rebuffed by a common wench. Though I did my very best. Imagine!  A small-bosomed whore, spurning the advances of the  king!

YOUNG WILL: Whoa, impossible! A madwoman crossed the royal path.
UBU: Mad, tis true. And the bloom was off the virgin, too–she was married. A slut!…



CORN is born!!!

OK fans, gather around the cornfire (I’m not sure all five of you can fit, but…)

I’m pleased to announce Anti-Oedipus Press has just unleashed my collection of short fiction — CORN ON MACABRE & OTHER CONUNDRUMS.  This compact, slender (some might say svelte) volume is crammed with 19 handcrafted texts  designed to thrill and captivate. And here’s the kicker…it’s available for under ten bucks! Hell, as the publisher says, the cover alone is worth the price, so I hope you’ll dip into your wallet or purse and add this lovely book to your collection.

It includes my Oulipian mystery “Snowdrop in Africa,” several half-act plays, inspired typos, and stories to keep you up at night. One might even go so far as to call it “the best of Conquest,” so I urge you to act now and dig in.

You’ll be glad you did.


Did I say it’s yummy? Well it is.

Get it on Amazon before it’s too late.